What You Need to Know Before You Decide What to Do with the House

A candid conversation about the housing decisions that derail divorce settlements — and how to protect yourself from the start.

Divorce is emotional. It’s also legal, financial, and full of details that can quietly cost you — especially when it comes to your home.

The family home is rarely just an asset. It’s wrapped up in identity, memory, and the very real question of where your children will sleep. That emotional weight can make it one of the hardest decisions to think about clearly. And that’s exactly why I wanted to bring in someone who thinks about it professionally every day.

Alyssa Rower is the Founding Partner of Rower LLC, a family law firm that works closely with clients navigating the financial and legal complexity of divorce. She sat down with me to share what she sees going wrong — and what clients can do to get ahead of it.

This is the conversation I wish more women had before they made any decisions about the house.

1.  Where do housing decisions most often complicate divorce settlements?

Housing decisions most often complicate divorce settlements when the home makes up the majority of a client’s net worth and one party can’t afford to buy the other party out. This either leads to a sale or requires one person to maintain their investment in the home for a specific period of time. That can create different leverage points. If keeping the house is important to one party, they might have to give up other things.

It’s especially complicated in the current interest rate market. Many people currently have really low mortgages. As part of a divorce, you need to remove the person who’s not keeping the house from the mortgage. Then, the mortgage inevitably goes up and increases the monthly housing cost for the party retaining the home. Another part of the negotiation, then, is how long the party giving up their ownership in the home remains on the mortgage, what protections are put in place to protect that party and whether the removal changes the interest rate. That’s a case-by-case issue with the bank, which is unlikely to be flexible.

2.  What assumptions do clients commonly make about keeping the marital home that concern you?

The home is a huge emotional point in a divorce, as opposed to money in a bank account. As a result, clients often make assumptions about their ability to keep the home without getting grounded in the numbers. That can make the issue quite tricky.

They also sometimes assume that keeping the home is going to be more important to their children than it actually is. Gathering as much information and knowledge as possible is important. If the driver behind the decision is an assumption that keeping the home is essential for the stability of the children, talking to the child’s psychologist—or to the children directly if they’re older—can thus provide significant clarity. This can help clients make financially rational decisions and disentangle themselves from some of the emotional aspects associated with the home.

3.  How does the timing of housing decisions impact leverage and negotiation?

Housing decisions are some of the biggest in a divorce, especially if the primary home makes up the largest asset, which is often the case even in high-net-worth divorces. The disposition of the home creates a huge leverage point. If one person wants to keep the home and it’s inevitable that it’s going to be sold in the divorce process, then they are absolutely incentivized to delay the divorce. If, on the other hand, they are uncomfortably living together and one party moving out is the inevitable end of the divorce process, that will push things forward. Often, living situations and disposition of a residence create a powerful dynamic that alters the speed of a couple’s divorce.

4.  What do you wish clients would slow down on during the divorce process?

I usually wish clients would speed up rather than slow down in the divorce process as divorces that drag on are often more difficult from a financial and emotional perspective. When people are making emotional decisions, however, I wish they would slow down and analyze the facts, numbers and receive as much expert advice as possible.

5.  What decisions do you see clients rush into that they later regret?

It’s so dependent on the person. Some clients are deliberate decision makers while others are frozen emotionally. Some work too quickly and ultimately come to regret the decisions they make. It’s the Goldilocks problem—you don’t want clients to rush through decisions and act too rashly and not think through all the consequences, but you also don’t want clients to overanalyze and overthink the issues and become frozen. There is a balance where clients make informed and rational decisions based on information and knowledge but still move at an appropriate pace.

6.  What kind of professional coordination actually makes divorce cases go more smoothly?

I am all about knowledge and preparation. Our philosophy as a firm is to bring in as many professionals as needed. We’re like the general contractor bringing in experts in different areas to make sure that our clients are as informed as possible.

If the home is going to be sold, involving real estate professionals from the beginning is of great benefit to the couple. They can help the couple see what changes need to be made to the apartment or home to prepare it for a sale. What is a realistic price? What is a realistic process? What do both people need to do?

In the case of a buyout, we typically use valuation experts to assess the fair market value. Clients can often think those are incorrect, and brokers can provide an additional gut check on the valuation. Financial planners can map out the financial consequences of keeping the home and whether someone can afford it. Mortgage brokers can assist with removing somebody from the mortgage, how to refinance, and what the monthly costs are going to be.

Navigating the family home during divorce is one of the most consequential decisions you’ll make.

The numbers matter. The timing matters. And who you have in your corner matters enormously.

At the Heather Domi Team, we work alongside attorneys, financial advisors, and family law professionals like Alyssa to make sure our clients have the full picture — before they commit to anything. If you’re facing a housing decision as part of a divorce or life transition, we’re here to help you think it through.

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